My very first cigarette was handed to me by a boy when I was 12. He was 14. He was, in some sense, my first boyfriend. He said to me on the day of our first date, sitting on a swing, that he had two missions that day. First, he was going to take away my first kiss. Second, he was going to teach me how to smoke cigarettes. He accomplished both that day.
I quit smoking for a long time after we stopped seeing each other. Almost seven years had passed until I picked up my cigarettes again last summer. It was right after high school graduation, when I went back home in China. Unlinked to a past and not yet linked to a future, I felt terribly empty every night as I sat in my silent bedroom and stared at my own reflection on the big glass window.
Loneliness was the lighter to my cigarettes at that time. I wished that my loneliness would be burnt away with the ashes as I smoked in my room with door locked and window opened. But all I got was a swirl of dizziness inside my head. I kept smoking throughout the summer. To me, it was becoming an anesthetic of my mind. It “cools down” my mind.
Living in Berkeley now, I smoke whenever I feel like to. But I usually go downstairs around midnight, after finishing all my school work, and light a cigarette or two. To be honest, smoking doesn’t really help me alleviate the negative emotions. It’s more like an excuse for me to sit quietly by myself for a while and enjoy the chill night air.
In this issue, I collected stories of young smokers who were lighting their cigarettes with different emotions. Let’s take a look into their inner lives, of which smoking has become an inseparable part.
In the end, I will share my personal story of becoming a smoker as well.
R.Y.
IN-PERSON INTERVIEW #1: LILIAN
student, 22, Cameroon
R: Did you grow up around cigarettes?
L: Yes. I’m from Cameroon. My mom smokes. I was in a French school, and a lot of people there kind of started smoking when I was younger.
R: When did you start smoking and why?
L: I started smoking at like 15 or 16. I smoked because in my French school, there were some French people and Cameroonian people smoking. I thought it was a cool thing since not everyone did it at that time. So I was trying to be different, I guess. It’s like when you’re young and you’re trying to be like “hey I’m different.”
R: When and where do you usually smoke?
L: Actually I quit. I just started smoking again this week because of midterms. I quit because it’s so hard to smoke here. There is only one spot on the whole campus where people can smoke. But when I go back home, I start again. And when I come back, I quit. Because back home, people smoke. When you’re in the environment where people smoke, it’s more like a social thing. If you don’t smoke, you’re kind of left out. But here is different. Actually I want to quit again. This is definitely my last one. Hopefully.
R: What kind of benefits does smoking serve for you? Does it alleviate your stress?
L: Yeah. Definitely. I’ve been smoking because of midterms, so I guess it’s kind of stress-related.
IN-PERSON INTERVIEW #2: DOJA
Working, 27, United States
R: Did you grow up around cigarettes?
D: Yeah. So when I was little, my parents smoked. I told them to stop when I was young. So they quit. But then when I turned eighteen, I started smoking.
R: How and why did you start smoking?
D: Because my friends were smoking. They didn’t tell me to smoke, but I was just like, let me try. And then I just started.
R: When and where do you usually smoke?
D: I smoke when I’m bored. It’s just something to do. Or if I get stressed out, it gives me a reason to just go outside and have time by myself.
R: How frequently do you smoke?
D: If I’m working, maybe only like three times during work. Just edge break, you know. But then if I’m not working, maybe every couple of hours or so.
R: What kind of benefits does smoking serve for you? Does it make you feel more relaxed and less stressed?
D: Yeah, that’s it. I just feel like I’m in my own space. I’m just relaxed.
R: Have you ever tried to quit?
D: No (laugh). I mean, people say it’s bad for you. I know. But so is everything else in the world to me. You can die from anything. So what’s the difference? It’s like that to me, at least.
ONLINE INTERVIEW #3: Zach
student, 20, China
R: Why did you start smoking?
Z: It’s something reliable for me to battle my anxiety and depression. Just a way to get calm and relax.
R: Would you share the story of how you started smoking?
Z: Yeah so the four of us were in Akureyri, Iceland. It was Christmas eve in 2017 and we decided to go out and take a stroll. There was this COOL chick Raina who’d been smoking, who in my opinion should basically be the paradigm the epitome of female smokers. She’d just stand there by herself looking far into the distance and looking sad. It was like textbook. Basically that cigarette in her hand was like the cherry on the cake of ultimate badassness. LOLLLLL. And I just got curious and asked one from her. She gave me one and taught me how to light it and shit. And 30 minutes later I asked for another one. I didn’t smoke for the rest of the trip, but the moment I landed I went straight to duty free and bought like 2 cartons…
(NOTE: Well, I guess I’m THE “Raina” :))
R: When and where do you usually smoke?
Z: Anytime I feel like it. Right after I wake up everyday is a biggie tho. As for the where of it, I’m actually quite particular about it. I like to go to places with a view. Not necessarily a great view, but a view, where you are either very high above the ground or can see into the distance and most importantly alone. Like most rooftops would be a safe bet. One of my favorite is a bridge over the Charles river in Boston where you get a view of the skyline. Also I go to Halfmoon bay quite a lot now. I drive for half an hour just to have a cigarette by the sea whilst listening to the wave and gazing at the star. It sounds cheesy but it’s real for me. In reality tho, I have to settle. Mostly I just smoke outside of the backdoor of my dorm. It’s a shitty spot but what can you do.
R: How frequently do you smoke?
Z: Right now it’s about 10 everyday.
R: What benefits does smoking serve for you?
Z: I once read an article about cigarettes right after waking up or something like that. It’s at that moment that it hit me, smoking doesn’t really do anything real for you. Does it really alleviate my depression? Does it really calm my nerves down? Not really. At the very most a little bit. But it gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
R: Have you ever tried to quit?
Z: The thought just never crossed my mind. I think if I had a baby or ever came across somebody that I deeply cared about or that cared about me and would want me around for longer, then I would quit.
R: Anything else you want to say about smoking cigarettes?
Z: I remember only four months ago I was so against smoking that I didn’t think it should be legal. And I was really disappointed at one of my best friends for doing so and had been trying to get him to quit for weeks. I just COULD NOT see how anyone would ever wanna do that do themselves. It’s like I’m color blind or sth. Now I’m on the other side of it. I’ve had people tell me to quit and shit. And I just CANNOT see why I would ever want to do that. And that friend of mine is like my best smoking buddy now. It’s just interesting how your perspective about one little thing can change so rapidly in such a short time.
SELECTED SURVEY RESPONSES
(smokers & non-smokers)
Thank you to all those who took the time to fill out the survey!
How old are you?
Did you grow up around cigarettes?
If you don’t smoke cigarettes, why not?
“Never had a chance”
“My maternal grandfather was a heavy smoker for decades and he died of lung cancer when I was four. Even though my memory from then was vague and convoluted, I vividly remember the first time seeing my mom cry in the hall way of the hospital. I barely knew things, but I almost had an intuitive aversion against smoking because I saw first-hand the traumatic impact it has on families. My dad also smoked for two decades, although he refrained from smoking in the presence of other family members. I never liked the lingering smell of cigarette on his clothes and his skin. I wouldn’t allow him to hug me or kiss me if I could smell cigarettes on him.”
“For health issues”
“I tried it once, didn’t like it.”
“Don’t want to be addicted to it.”
“I have never tried and I don’t have the incentive to smoke.”
“Bad for health”
“Gives you cancer and gives other harm by secondhand smoke. ”
If you don’t smoke, how do you think of people who smoke cigarettes?
“Attractive :)”
“I think it’s a personal choice as long as it doesn’t negatively impact others. That said, second-hand smoking triggers me. If a friend ever smokes in front of me indoor or in a closed space without asking whether I’m okay with it, that’s basically the end of our relationship. No matter how brilliant this person is in other walks of life, my affection for him/her dwindles and it’s hard for me to alter my judgement. Also, I know for a scientific fact that smoking is addictive. I don’t know how easy it is to refrain oneself from over smoking. Nevertheless, I don’t have high respect for people who have low self control.”
“The fact that they smoke doesn’t affect my opinion on them.”
“I just think it’s so outdated. Most people, if they wanna smoke, they smoke marijuana or like other kinds of drugs that aren’t tobacco. But I don’t really look down on them or praise them [people who smoke cigarettes]. They are just there, I guess.”
“Stupid.”
“As long as people don’t smoke around kids or in smoke-free zone. I don’t have an opinion to it.”
“No special thoughts.”
“I think it’s one’s own decision to do what they want with their bodies and their decisions. However, I believe smoking in enclosed areas around others is very selfish, for you are introducing harmful agents to others without consent.”
When did you start smoking cigarettes?
Why did you start smoking cigarettes?
“Just wanted to try a new emotional outlet after feeling depressed.”
“Saw friends doing it and I thought it was cool. I felt like it represented maturity/held sex appeal.”
“Helps me make friends who also smoke.”
“Calms me down and inspires me.”
“There are a lot of people around me who don’t like the smell of cigarettes. So everybody just goes away and leaves me alone when I smoke. But smoking alone gives me a chance to think about things quietly.”
“Helps me with anxiety and staying up late for work.”
“Just wanna try new things life is all about new experiences.”
“First, it can be said as a way to socialize. Second, my addiction is not too bad. Smoking isn’t my spiritual handhold or anything like that. But at times when I feel very bad, taking some deep draws out of a couple of cigarettes can help me relieve my negative emotions.”
“I wanna die sooner.”
“At first, some of my friends smoked and I thought that was cool and tried it. But I didn’t do it right and they laughed at me. It made me eager to learn and I asked them to teach me.”
“After I turned in my college app, I felt like a brand new chapter of my life had begun and I gotta learn something new. So I learned smoking cigarettes.”
“It does nothing except for relieving my stress.”
“I don’t remember. But maybe because of a broken relationship or too much stress from some other aspects of life.”
“Because I broke up with her.”
When and where do you usually smoke cigarettes?
“At home, after lunch&dinner, after study, after sex.”
“Whenever, especially at night. I smoke every hour, about 0.5-1 pack per day. ”
“No specific time or location. Just when I feel bad. But now I rarely smoke. Maybe once a month.”
“In my apartment and outside the campus and along the street. Half a pack per day.”
“I smoke a lot when I’m hanging with my bros, when I’m sad, after meals, or after playing games, etc. It’s a habit now.”
“Away from parents and home.”
“First thing in the morning/after every meal/when I am writing a paper or doing a tedious reading/when I get emotional.”
“Alone at night.”
“Anywhere available.”
Have you tried to quit? Why or why not?
(Note: about 2/3 responded that the health consequences are in the back of their minds when they smoke.)
“Short breath.”
“Girlfriend’s request.”
“You might die at anytime in your life. Why torture yourself now for the future years that you might not even be able to live through?”
“I can quit easily. I do it periodically every year. I do have addiction. But if I think my smoking is getting out of hand, I just stop for few months.”
“Health is invaluable lol.”
“Smoking is not harmful. Teaching others to smoke is.”
“Smoking once in a while is fine.”
“It’s bad for my physical health, but it helps with my mental health.”
Popular Brands of Cigarettes
Marlboro, Raison, Mevius, Esse, Dunhill, Kent, Seven stars, Chinese cigarettes (Liqun, Zhonghua, Guiyan, etc.)…
Some Final Thoughts: My Story of Smoking
My dad has always been a heavy smoker who smokes more than two packs of Chinese cigarettes a day. Therefore, I grew used to the thick, pungent smoke of cigarettes since I was little. The image of my dad holding a cigarette between his thumb and index finger – taking long, slow draws of the cigarette, and slowly blowing the smoke out of his mouth and nose — is so deeply etched in my memory that it has become the image of him whenever I think of him or paint a portrait of him.
When he smokes, he becomes a little quieter than usual. He either looks at his phone or stares blankly into the air, as if there is another world only visible to him that is gradually emerging behind the smoke.
I still remember that before middle school, I would hide my dad’s cigarettes and get mad if I saw him smoking. But that changed when my mom started to smoke, too.
She learned smoking in her mid-30s from her best friend at that time. I was puzzled when I first saw her smoking in the living room by herself, staring blankly into the air in the same way that my dad does. I asked her why she started smoking. She said that because sometimes she got bothered by things.
As a child, I have spent most of my time with my mom and looked upon her as a role model. Living in an Asian country with a dominant social stigma attached to female smoking, I always thought that it is natural for men to smoke while not for women.
However, the sight of my mom exhaling smoke into the air somewhat made me eager to push the limits of accepted social conventions. So, as a seventh-grader, I accepted the first cigarette that my friend handed to me without any hesitation. It was not only because I wanted to look cool, but also because I wondered if smoking really had the magic of letting people exhale the troubles away.
I later stopped smoking for many years. Maybe because I just didn’t find it working for me. Maybe because I went studying abroad in a strict private boarding high school in Pennsylvania, which eliminated any chance of smoking. I only picked up smoking again the summer after my high school graduation. I did it with an attempt to numb my mind so that I couldn’t think properly about anything, including my loneliness at home as the only child.
As a college student now, I can basically smoke whenever and wherever I want to. Unlike some people who consider smoking a way of socializing, I take smoking as a solitary act and never smoke with others around me unless being asked to smoke together by friends.
During my freshman year, my smoking frequency increased from once a week to a few times a day. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why I smoke. But I feel like there’re always some wistful or frustrating feelings involved, because I never smoke when I’m genuinely happy or feel loved. Smoking doesn’t take my troubles away. Quite the opposite, it takes everything else in my mind away and allow me to focus on what has been troubling me.
However, it does “cool” my mind down and allow me to think about things calmly from a third-person perspective, as if whatever happened did not happened to me nor anyone else — it simply becomes an uncertain floating matter in the past, evoking lessons and nostalgia and nothing else.
I wonder if this kind of alienation, or estrangement from the self is what smokers are really looking for when we want to get rid of those subjective, troubling emotions deep inside.
I’ve never smoked directly in front of my parents, but they know. And as always, they seem to be chill about my personal choice. Just a few days ago, my mom found a pack of cigarettes I bought in Europe on the balcony table. She was about to throw it out when I stopped her and said: “But there’re still cigarettes inside.” She looked at me, opened the pack and looked inside, and looked at me again.
“Oh. You’re right.” She said calmly and walked back to the living room, leaving the pack of cigarettes behind on the table, at exactly where it was.
Thank you for reading! Feel free to share your experiences with me or let me know what you think by either commenting or filling out the contact form below!
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