编者言
My very first cigarette was handed to me by a boy when I was 12. He was 14. He was, in some sense, my first boyfriend. He said to me on the day of our first date, sitting on a swing, that he had two missions that day. First, he was going to take away my first kiss. Second, he was going to teach me how to smoke cigarettes. He accomplished both that day.
我的第一支烟是一个男生递给我的。那时候的我12岁，他14岁。他在某种意义上可以算是我的第一个男朋友。在我们第一次约会的那个下午，他坐在秋千上，摇摆着双腿，漫不经心地对我说，他那天有两个任务。第一，他要取走我的初吻。第二，他要教会我如何抽烟。他在那个下午把两个任务都完成了。
I quit smoking for a long time after we stopped seeing each other. Almost seven years had passed until I picked up my cigarettes again last summer. It was right after high school graduation, when I went back home in China. Unlinked to a past and not yet linked to a future, I felt terribly empty every night as I sat in my silent bedroom and stared at my own reflection on the big glass window.
与那个男生断绝来往之后，我在很长一段时间里都没怎么再碰过烟——当我重新点燃手中的烟，已经是七年以后的事情了。那时候，我刚从美国的高中毕业，回到国内来过暑假。身处在一段过去与未来衔接的缝隙之中，我感觉像是失去了理想、希望、甚至是感情的寄托。每当我晚上一个人坐在家中空荡荡的房间里，盯着硕大的玻璃窗上反射出来的自己发呆时，我内心的空洞都似乎要将我整个人活活吞噬。
Loneliness was the lighter to my cigarettes at that time. I wished that my loneliness would be burnt away with the ashes as I smoked in my room with door locked and window opened. But all I got was a swirl of dizziness inside my head. I kept smoking throughout the summer. To me, it was becoming an anesthetic of my mind. It “cools down” my mind.
心中那消不去的孤独感点燃了我手中一根又一根的香烟。我总是无谓地希望那种孤独的感觉会随着烟灰一同被烧尽，可得到的却只是一阵阵的头晕。不过香烟还是伴随了我一整个暑假。对于我来说，那一支支烟仿佛是我的思想麻醉剂，使我的头脑“冷却”下来。
Living in Berkeley now, I smoke whenever I feel like to. But I usually go downstairs around midnight, after finishing all my school work, and light a cigarette or two. To be honest, smoking doesn’t really help me alleviate the negative emotions. It’s more like an excuse for me to sit quietly by myself for a while and enjoy the chill night air.
现在住在伯克利的我，拥有着随时随地吸烟的自由。不过我通常都是在深夜十一二点，干完正事后，下楼到马路边上抽一两支烟。说实话，吸烟并没有怎么缓解我的“负面”情绪——它更像是让我下楼散散心、吹吹冷风的一种籍口。
In this issue, I collected stories of young smokers who were lighting their cigarettes with different emotions. Let’s take a look into their inner lives, of which smoking has become an inseparable part.
在这篇文章中，我收集了许多青年吸烟者们的故事——以及他们点燃手中香烟的理由。让我们一同走进他们的内心世界，去看看那吐出的白色烟雾背后所隐藏的情感。
In the end, I will share my personal story of becoming a smoker as well.
在文章结尾，我也会分享自己成为一个青年吸烟者的故事。
R.Y. 老一羊
IN-PERSON INTERVIEW #1: LILIAN
面对面采访 #1: Lilian
student, 22, Cameroon
学生，22，喀麦隆
R: Did you grow up around cigarettes?
L: Yes. I’m from Cameroon. My mom smokes. I was in a French school, and a lot of people there kind of started smoking when I was younger.
R: 你是在一个身边许多人吸烟的环境下长大的吗？
L: 是的。我来自喀麦隆。我妈就吸烟。我在喀麦隆上的是一所法国学校，那里的很多年轻人在学校里都开始学着吸烟。
R: When did you start smoking and why?
L: I started smoking at like 15 or 16. I smoked because in my French school, there were some French people and Cameroonian people smoking. I thought it was a cool thing since not everyone did it at that time. So I was trying to be different, I guess. It’s like when you’re young and you’re trying to be like “hey I’m different.”
R: 你什么时候开始吸烟？为什么开始吸烟？
L: 我大概十五、六岁开始吸烟。我想是因为在我的法国学校里，有一些法国人和喀麦隆人都吸烟。因为吸烟的人还是少数，所以我那时候觉得这是一件很酷的事情。我想我大概是想与众不同吧。就像是人年轻的时候都会想做一个和别人不同的、独特的人。
R: When and where do you usually smoke?
L: Actually I quit. I just started smoking again this week because of midterms. I quit because it’s so hard to smoke here. There is only one spot on the whole campus where people can smoke. But when I go back home, I start again. And when I come back, I quit. Because back home, people smoke. When you’re in the environment where people smoke, it’s more like a social thing. If you don’t smoke, you’re kind of left out. But here is different. Actually I want to quit again. This is definitely my last one. Hopefully.
R: 你一般什么时候吸烟？在哪里吸烟？
L: 其实我之前戒掉了。我这星期又开始抽烟是因为有期中考试。之前戒掉是因为整个学校里面只有一个位置可以抽烟，很不方便。不过我每次回家后又会开始抽，然后回来上学后就又会戒掉。因为在家里的时候，很多人都抽烟。在那种环境里，抽烟更像一种社交环节，如果你不抽的话会感觉被孤立了。但是在学校不一样。其实我现在又想戒烟了。这一定是我的最后一支烟。希望如此。
R: What kind of benefits does smoking serve for you? Does it alleviate your stress?
L: Yeah. Definitely. I’ve been smoking because of midterms, so I guess it’s kind of stress-related.
R: 吸烟有给你带来任何好处吗？会帮助缓解你的压力吗？
L: 是的。当然。我现在是因为期中考才重新开始抽烟的，所以我想应该和压力有关。
IN-PERSON INTERVIEW #2: DOJA
面对面采访 #2: DOJA
Working, 27, United States
上班族，27，美国
R: Did you grow up around cigarettes?
D: Yeah. So when I was little, my parents smoked. I told them to stop when I was young. So they quit. But then when I turned eighteen, I started smoking.
R: 你是在一个身边许多人吸烟的环境下长大的吗？
D: 是的。在我小的时候，我父母都抽烟。等我长大些后，我让他们不要再抽了，所以他们就戒掉了。可是等我到十八岁的那一年，我自己却开始抽烟了。
R: How and why did you start smoking?
D: Because my friends were smoking. They didn’t tell me to smoke, but I was just like, let me try. And then I just started.
R: 你怎么开始吸烟的？为什么开始吸烟？
D: 因为我的朋友们在吸烟。他们没让我和他们一起抽，可是我让他们给我一支试一下。然后我就开始了。
R: When and where do you usually smoke?
D: I smoke when I’m bored. It’s just something to do. Or if I get stressed out, it gives me a reason to just go outside and have time by myself.
R: 你一般什么时候吸烟？在哪里吸烟？
D: 我无聊的时候就会吸烟。反正我总得做点什么吧。或者我压力大的时候，吸烟给了我去外面一个人散散心的理由。
R: How frequently do you smoke?
D: If I’m working, maybe only like three times during work. Just edge break, you know. But then if I’m not working, maybe every couple of hours or so.
R: 你吸烟的频率如何？
D: 如果我在上班的话，可能只会在工作期间抽上个三次左右吧。你知道，就像是从正常生活中解脱出来的短暂休息。不过如果我没在上班的话，可能几个小时就会抽一次吧。
R: What kind of benefits does smoking serve for you? Does it make you feel more relaxed and less stressed?
D: Yeah, that’s it. I just feel like I’m in my own space. I’m just relaxed.
R: 吸烟有给你带来任何好处吗？会帮助缓解你的压力或让你感到更放松吗？
D: 是的，就是这样。我会感觉身处于属于自己一个人的空间里，然后放松下来。
R: Have you ever tried to quit?
D: No (laugh). I mean, people say it’s bad for you. I know. But so is everything else in the world to me. You can die from anything. So what’s the difference? It’s like that to me, at least.
R: 你有尝试过戒烟吗？
D: 没有（笑）。人们总说吸烟对身体很不好。我知道。可是对于我来说，世界上其他所有东西也都是这样。你可以因为任何事情而死去。所以有什么差别呢？至少我是这么想的。
ONLINE INTERVIEW #3: Zach
在线采访 #3: Zach
student, 20, China
学生，20，中国
(*注：因为有部分地方引用了受访者自己写的双语文章中原本的中文翻译，所以在这篇采访里翻译与英文原文会稍有出入。)
R: Why did you start smoking?
Z: It’s something reliable for me to battle my anxiety and depression. Just a way to get calm and relax.
R: 你为什么开始抽烟了？
Z: 这就像一种令我放松、冷静的可靠手段吧。也可以帮助我缓解焦虑和抑郁。
R: Would you share the story of how you started smoking?
Z: Yeah so the four of us were in Akureyri, Iceland. It was Christmas eve in 2017 and we decided to go out and take a stroll. There was this COOL chick Raina who’d been smoking, who in my opinion should basically be the paradigm the epitome of female smokers. She’d just stand there by herself looking far into the distance and looking sad. It was like textbook. Basically that cigarette in her hand was like the cherry on the cake of ultimate badassness. LOLLLLL. And I just got curious and asked one from her. She gave me one and taught me how to light it and shit. And 30 minutes later I asked for another one. I didn’t smoke for the rest of the trip, but the moment I landed I went straight to duty free and bought like 2 cartons…
(NOTE: Well, I guess I’m THE “Raina” 🙂 )
R: 你可以分享一下你开始抽烟的故事吗？
Z: 当时我在冰岛，其中一个女生抽烟。她简直就是烟民的典范，楷模，完美的模型，当她手中握着一支烟的时候举手投足间散发出的那种感觉简直就让人无法自拔，让人无法不去好奇那到底是怎么样的一种体验。于是在2017年圣诞夜那晚，我们在阿库雷里，一行人到空无一人的街上去散步，突然我就问她“能给我来一支嘛” 。她给了我一根烟，还教了我怎么点烟。30分钟后我跟她说“能再给我一支吗”。之后在冰岛我都没抽过，可是在回程飞机降落后，我直奔去免税店买了两条烟……
（注：没错，我就是这个女生。）
R: When and where do you usually smoke?
Z: Anytime I feel like it. Right after I wake up everyday is a biggie tho. As for the where of it, I’m actually quite particular about it. I like to go to places with a view. Not necessarily a great view, but a view, where you are either very high above the ground or can see into the distance and most importantly alone. Like most rooftops would be a safe bet. One of my favorite is a bridge over the Charles river in Boston where you get a view of the skyline. Also I go to Halfmoon bay quite a lot now. I drive for half an hour just to have a cigarette by the sea whilst listening to the wave and gazing at the star. It sounds cheesy but it’s real for me. In reality tho, I have to settle. Mostly I just smoke outside of the backdoor of my dorm. It’s a shitty spot but what can you do.
R: 你一般什么时候抽烟？在什么样的地方抽？
Z: 我抽烟的时间比较随意，不过一般早上一起床我就会先来一支。不过我对抽烟地点非常讲究。因为我曾听人说过“要的就是那种心境”。理想状态下这个地点应该有一个开阔的景色，不一定要是漂亮的，但一定要是宏大的。一个离地面很高的地方，一个你可以一眼望到地平线的地方，一个你的视线不被日复一日无聊的生活琐事所阻断的地方。有的时候当我在一些地方我会感觉我必须点一支烟，不然的话就真的太浪费了。比如当我在一个屋顶上，特别是在我家屋顶上的时候。又或者是在海边。上学期我经常会没事就租一辆车开半个小时到半月湾去，只为了在震耳欲聋的海浪声和繁星点点的夜空下抽上那么一两支烟。或者是查尔斯河上的一座桥，在那你能看到整个波士顿的天际线。又或者是密歇根湖。你看那整个芝加哥城。
这些也许听起来像是俗套的电影环节，可是对我来说却是生活中很真实的一部分。不过在现实当中，我大多数时间只能在宿舍后面的一个小角落偷偷地抽上一根。那是一个很糟糕的位置，不过也没办法。
R: How frequently do you smoke?
Z: Right now it’s about 10 everyday.
R: 你一般抽烟的频率是怎样的？
Z: 现在的话一天大概十支烟吧。
R: What benefits does smoking serve for you?
Z: I once read an article about cigarettes right after waking up or something like that. It’s at that moment that it hit me, smoking doesn’t really do anything real for you. Does it really alleviate my depression? Does it really calm my nerves down? Not really. At the very most a little bit. But it gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
R: 抽烟带给你什么好处了吗？
Z: 我有一次在刚醒来的时候读到了一篇关于抽烟的文章。在那时候我突然醒悟过来，抽烟其实不能给一个人带来什么实际的好处。它缓解了我的抑郁吗？它让我更加放松平静了吗？其实并没有。有的话也只是一点点而已。我并不觉得它是任何问题的解决方案。我甚至都不觉得这是健康的习惯。但是我并不奢求很多——至少抽烟给了我一个早上起床的理由。
R: Have you ever tried to quit?
Z: The thought just never crossed my mind. I think if I had a baby or ever came across somebody that I deeply cared about or that cared about me and would want me around for longer, then I would quit.
R: 你有想过要戒烟吗？
Z: 我脑子里从没出现过这种想法。我觉得如果有一天我当了爸爸，或者遇见了我一个特别在乎或者特别在乎我，想和我长久在一起的人的话，我会戒烟。
R: Anything else you want to say about smoking cigarettes?
Z: I remember only four months ago I was so against smoking that I didn’t think it should be legal. And I was really disappointed at one of my best friends for doing so and had been trying to get him to quit for weeks. I just COULD NOT see how anyone would ever wanna do that do themselves. It’s like I’m color blind or sth. Now I’m on the other side of it. I’ve had people tell me to quit and shit. And I just CANNOT see why I would ever want to do that. And that friend of mine is like my best smoking buddy now. It’s just interesting how your perspective about one little thing can change so rapidly in such a short time.
R: 你关于吸烟还有什么其他的想法吗？
Z: 我记得四个月以前我还非常反感吸烟这种行为。我甚至认为应该将吸烟非法化。当我的一个最好的朋友开始吸烟时，我感到非常失望，然后在几个星期内都不停地劝他想让他戒烟。我那时候完全无法理解为什么人会有想要吸烟的念头。我感觉自己就像是色盲了一样，看不到吸烟的人的感受。现在我站在了事情的另一边，换了一个角度看待这件事。我身边也开始有人让我戒烟。可是现在的我又完全无法想象自己会有任何想要戒烟的念头。我刚刚说的那个吸烟的朋友——他现在变成了我最好的烟友了。这段经历让我觉得，人的态度转变之快是个很有意思的事情。
SELECTED SURVEY RESPONSES
(smokers & non-smokers)
问卷调查回答摘选
（吸烟者 & 非吸烟者）
Thank you to all those who took the time to fill out the survey!
非常感谢花时间填写了问卷的每一个人！
How old are you?
你今年多大？
Did you grow up around cigarettes?
你是否在许多人吸烟的环境下长大？
If you don’t smoke cigarettes, why not?
非吸烟者：你为什么没有选择吸烟？
“Never had a chance”
“从来没有过尝试的机会。”
“My maternal grandfather was a heavy smoker for decades and he died of lung cancer when I was four. Even though my memory from then was vague and convoluted, I vividly remember the first time seeing my mom cry in the hall way of the hospital. I barely knew things, but I almost had an intuitive aversion against smoking because I saw first-hand the traumatic impact it has on families. My dad also smoked for two decades, although he refrained from smoking in the presence of other family members. I never liked the lingering smell of cigarette on his clothes and his skin. I wouldn’t allow him to hug me or kiss me if I could smell cigarettes on him.”
“我的外公曾经烟瘾很大，最后在我四岁的时候就因为肺癌去世了。虽然我那时候产生的记忆模糊又扭曲，但是我清楚地记得那时候我第一次看见我妈妈在医院走廊里哭泣的场景。我那时候几乎什么都不知道，可是我对吸烟产生了一种本能的厌恶。因为我亲眼见证了它对我的家人产生的身体与精神创伤。我爸爸也抽了几十年的烟，虽然他会克制自己不在家人面前抽。我很不喜欢他衣服和皮肤上残留的烟味。如果我可以闻得到他身上的烟味的话，我绝不会允许他抱我或者亲我。”
“For health issues”
“健康原因。”
“I tried it once, didn’t like it.”
“我试了一次，不过不是很喜欢。”
“Don’t want to be addicted to it.”
“不想上瘾。”
“I have never tried and I don’t have the incentive to smoke.”
“我从来没试过，也没有任何理由或动机去吸烟。”
“Bad for health”
“对身体不好。”
“Gives you cancer and gives other harm by secondhand smoke. ”
“会带来癌症。二手烟还会带来其他的危害。”
If you don’t smoke, how do you think of people who smoke cigarettes?
非吸烟者：你怎么看待身边吸烟的人？
“Attractive :)”
“很有魅力：）”
“I think it’s a personal choice as long as it doesn’t negatively impact others. That said, second-hand smoking triggers me. If a friend ever smokes in front of me indoor or in a closed space without asking whether I’m okay with it, that’s basically the end of our relationship. No matter how brilliant this person is in other walks of life, my affection for him/her dwindles and it’s hard for me to alter my judgement. Also, I know for a scientific fact that smoking is addictive. I don’t know how easy it is to refrain oneself from over smoking. Nevertheless, I don’t have high respect for people who have low self-control.”
“我觉得这是一个个人选择的问题吧，只要不给他人带来负面影响。不过，二手烟让我非常反感。如果我的任何一个朋友，在和我呆在一个封闭空间里的时候无顾我的感受吸烟的话，我们的友谊就算是到了尽头了。无论这个朋友在其他方面多么的优秀，他/她在我心中留下的坏印象都很难被抹去了。还有就是，我认为吸烟会上瘾是一个科学事实。我不知道控制自己不过量吸烟有多难，但是我对那些没有自我控制力的人也没有太多尊重。”
“The fact that they smoke doesn’t affect my opinion on them.”
“吸烟这件事并不会影响到我对吸烟的人的看法。”
“I just think it’s so outdated. Most people, if they wanna smoke, they smoke marijuana or like other kinds of drugs that aren’t tobacco. But I don’t really look down on them or praise them [people who smoke cigarettes]. They are just there, I guess.”
“我只是觉得香烟非常老气和过时。「在美国」大多数人会选择吸麻或者其他非烟草的毒品。不过我既没有看不起也没有特别欣赏吸烟的人。我不会去特别注意一个人吸不吸烟。”
“Stupid.”
“愚蠢。”
“As long as people don’t smoke around kids or in smoke-free zone. I don’t have an opinion to it.”
“只要不当着孩子的面并且不在禁烟区吸烟的话，我就没什么意见。”
“No special thoughts.”
“没什么特殊看法。”
“I think it’s one’s own decision to do what they want with their body and their decisions. However, I believe smoking in enclosed areas around others is very selfish, for you are introducing harmful agents to others without consent.”
“我觉得这是个人选择吧。每个人都有自己选择怎么对待自己身体的自由。不过我觉得在封闭空间里当着别人的面吸烟是种非常自私的行为，因为你在没有得到别人同意的情况下给别人带来了危害。”
如果你吸烟的话……
When did you start smoking cigarettes?
你从几岁开始吸烟？
Why did you start smoking cigarettes?
你为什么开始吸烟？（吸烟给你带来了什么？）
“Just wanted to try a new emotional outlet after feeling depressed.”
“只是在郁闷的时候想要尝试一个新的情感宣泄方式吧。”
“Saw friends doing it and I thought it was cool. I felt like it represented maturity/held sex appeal.”
“看见朋友在吸烟，觉得挺酷的。感觉吸烟能让人看起来更成熟、更有性吸引力。”
“Helps me make friends who also smoke.”
“帮助我结交同样吸烟的朋友。”
“Calms me down and inspires me.”
“让我冷静下来，并且激发我的灵感。”
“There are a lot of people around me who don’t like the smell of cigarettes. So everybody just goes away and leaves me alone when I smoke. But smoking alone gives me a chance to think about things quietly.”
“平时身边不喜欢烟味的人挺多的，抽烟的时候大家都躲得远远的，自己反而能独自静一静想一些事情。”
“Helps me with anxiety and staying up late for work.”
“缓解我的焦虑，帮助我熬夜工作。”
“Just wanna try new things life is all about new experiences.”
“只是想尝试新的东西。人生就是要多尝试新鲜事物嘛。”
“First, it can be said as a way to socialize. Second, my addiction is not too bad. Smoking isn’t my spiritual handhold or anything like that. But at times when I feel very bad, taking some deep draws out of a couple of cigarettes can help me relieve my negative emotions.”
“首先可以说是一种社交手段。再来我的瘾不大，它说不上是我的精神支柱啥的，但是有时候在心情很不好的时候狠狠抽上几根烟还是能帮助我发泄一下负面情绪。”
“I wanna die sooner.”
“我想早点死。”
“At first, some of my friends smoked and I thought that was cool and tried it. But I didn’t do it right and they laughed at me. It made me eager to learn and I asked them to teach me.”
“一开始的时候，我觉得我那些抽烟的朋友很酷，所以自己也试了试。可是我没做对，然后他们都在笑我。他们的嘲笑让我更急切地想学会怎么抽烟了，所以我就让他们教我。”
“After I turned in my college app, I felt like a brand new chapter of my life had begun and I gotta learn something new. So I learned smoking cigarettes.”
“大学申请刚交上感觉开始了人生新篇章，要学点新东西。于是我学会了抽烟。”
“It does nothing except for relieving my stress.”
“除了解压没有任何好处。”
“I don’t remember. But maybe because of a broken relationship or too much stress from some other aspects of life.”
“记不清了，可能是感情或是生活某一方面压力太大撑不住。”
“Because I broke up with her.”
“失恋。”
When and where do you usually smoke cigarettes?
你一般什么时候抽烟？在哪抽烟？
“At home, after lunch & dinner, after study, after sex.”
“在家。吃完午饭&晚饭后。学习后。做爱后。”
“Whenever, especially at night. I smoke every hour, about 0.5-1 pack per day. ”
“任何时间，尤其是晚上。我每个小时都会抽，一天大概抽半包到一包。”
“No specific time or location. Just when I feel bad. But now I rarely smoke. Maybe once a month.”
“没什么特定的时间或地点。只是在感觉难受的时候会抽。不过现在很少抽了，可能一个月抽一次吧。”
“In my apartment and outside the campus and along the street. Half a pack per day.”
“在我公寓里，在校园外面，在街道旁。一天大概抽半包烟。”
“I smoke a lot when I’m hanging with bros, when I’m sad, after meals, or after playing games, etc. It’s a habit now.”
“和兄弟在一起的时候抽的烟多。心情不好的时候会抽。其他时候，比如吃完饭，比如打完游戏，都会想抽。成习惯了。”
“Away from parents and home.”
“远离父母和家的时候。”
“First thing in the morning/after every meal/when I am writing a paper or doing a tedious reading/when I get emotional.”
“早上起来第一件事 / 每顿饭后 / 在写论文或者读冗长乏味的阅读作业时 / 情绪泛滥时。”
“Alone at night.”
“晚上一个人的时候。”
“Anywhere available.”
“任何地方。”
Have you tried to quit? Why or why not?
你有想过要戒烟吗？
(Note: about 2/3 responded that the health consequences are in the back of their minds when they smoke.)
（注：大概2/3的吸烟者说他们清楚地意识并察觉到吸烟会对他们身体所造成的危害。）
“Short breath.”
“气短。”
“Girlfriend’s request.”
“女朋友的要求。”
“You might die at anytime in your life. Why torture yourself now for the future years that you might not even be able to live through?”
“你生命中无时无刻都可能会死去。为什么要为一些你都不一定能活到的未来的事情来折磨自己呢？”
“I can quit easily. I do it periodically every year. I do have addiction. But if I think my smoking is getting out of hand, I just stop for few months.”
“戒烟对我来说很容易。我每年都会周期性地戒掉几次。我确实有烟瘾。不过如果我觉得我的烟瘾在某段时间过大了，我就会戒掉几个月。”
“Health is invaluable lol.”
“健康无价lol”
“Smoking is not harmful. Teaching others to smoke is.”
“抽烟本身没什么危害。教别人抽烟才是有害的。”
“Smoking once in a while is fine.”
“偶尔抽一根还可以。”
“It’s bad for my physical health, but it helps with my mental health.”
“抽烟对我的生理健康不好，但却帮助我的心理健康。”
Popular Brands of Cigarettes
青年吸烟者常抽的香烟牌子
Marlboro, Raison, Mevius, Esse, Dunhill, Kent, Seven stars, Chinese cigarettes (Liqun, Zhonghua, Guiyan, etc.)…
万宝路，韩国猫，梅比乌斯，爱喜，登喜路，健牌，七星，还有各种中国香烟（利群、中华、贵烟等）……
Some Final Thoughts: My Story of Smoking
最后分享：我吸烟的故事
My dad has always been a heavy smoker who smokes more than two packs of Chinese cigarettes a day. Therefore, I grew used to the thick, pungent smoke of cigarettes since I was little. The image of my dad holding a cigarette between his thumb and index finger – taking long, slow draws of the cigarette, and slowly blowing the smoke out of his mouth and nose — is so deeply etched in my memory that it has become the image of him whenever I think of him or paint a portrait of him.
我爸一直都有很大的烟瘾，一天可以至少可以抽上两包中华烟。所以，我从小就适应了弥漫在空气中的那股呛鼻的烟味。他两根手指夹着烟，深深地吸一口气，再缓慢地将白色烟雾从鼻孔或嘴巴吐出的模样，早已被深深地印刻在我的记忆当中——以至于他在我给他画的每一幅肖像画里，都会夹着一根烟。
When he smokes, he becomes a little quieter than usual. He either looks at his phone or stares blankly into the air, as if there is another world only visible to him that is gradually emerging behind the smoke.
他抽烟的时候，话会比平时更少一些。一个人盘腿坐在阳台的摇椅上，他或是看着手机，或是出神地望着前方，好似在那被他吐出的白色烟雾之间，正逐渐显现出另外一个只有他才看得见的世界。
I still remember that before middle school, I would hide my dad’s cigarettes and get mad if I saw him smoking. But that changed when my mom started to smoke, too.
我还记得在小学的时候，我还会像其他女儿一样不许我爸抽烟。我会偷偷把他随手放在茶几上的烟都藏起来。如果看见他抽烟，我还会发脾气。不过，当我看见我妈也开始抽烟的时候，我对吸烟的态度发生了180度的转变。
She learned smoking in her mid-30s from her best friend at that time. I was puzzled when I first saw her smoking in the living room by herself, staring blankly into the air in the same way that my dad does. I asked her why she started smoking. She said that because sometimes she got bothered by things.
我妈在三十多岁的时候，从她最好的朋友那里学会了怎么抽烟。我还记得，我第一次看见她一个人坐在客厅茶几前抽烟时，感到非常的困惑。她也是那么出神地望着前方，一句话不说，好似那隐形世界也突然对她显现了出来。我问她为什么突然开始抽烟了。她说，因为有时候会觉得心烦。
As a child, I have spent most of my time with my mom and looked upon her as a role model. Living in an Asian country with a dominant social stigma attached to female smoking, I always thought that it is natural for men to smoke while not for women.
小的时候，我几乎每天都跟在我妈屁股后面。那时候我觉得她就是一个完美的榜样，言行举止间处处都效仿着她。我是在一个社会对女性吸烟有偏见的亚洲国家长大的。所以，我虽然从小就习惯了身边的大多数男人抽烟，却总觉得身为女人与吸烟是两件具有冲突性的事情。
However, the sight of my mom exhaling smoke into the air somewhat made me eager to push the limits of accepted social conventions. So, as a seventh-grader, I accepted the first cigarette that my friend handed to me without any hesitation. It was not only because I wanted to look cool, but also because I wondered if smoking really had the magic of letting people exhale the troubles away.
可是，在我看见了我妈将烟从口中缓缓吐出的模样后，我脑子里产生了打破这个社会对女性吸烟的偏见的念头。所以，在我初一的时候，我毫不犹豫地接受了我朋友递给我的第一支烟。我不仅仅是想让自己看起来更有个性，更多的是好奇吸烟是否真的有让人把烦恼随着烟雾一同吐出的神奇功效。
I later stopped smoking for many years. Maybe because I just didn’t find it working for me. Maybe because I went studying abroad in a strict private boarding high school in Pennsylvania, which eliminated any chance of smoking. I only picked up smoking again the summer after my high school graduation. I did it with an attempt to numb my mind so that I couldn’t think properly about anything, including my loneliness at home as the only child.
初一之后，我有好多年都没有再抽过烟。或许是因为我发现吸烟对于我并没有所谓的能带走烦恼的功效。又或许是因为我去了美国宾州一所严格的私立寄宿高中上学，没有任何机会可以抽烟。总之，我再一次拿起烟已经是七年之后——我高中毕业之后的事情了。那时候高中毕业典礼刚结束，我回到中国过暑假。作为一个独生子女，每当我晚上一个人呆在自己空荡荡的房间里不知干什么好的时候，心中的孤独感都会油然而生。吸烟能让我无法清晰地思考任何事情，包括我那消不去的孤独感。
As a college student now, I can basically smoke whenever and wherever I want to. Unlike some people who consider smoking a way of socializing, I take smoking as a solitary act and never smoke with others around me unless being asked to smoke together by friends.
现在作为大学生的我，可以想在哪儿抽烟就在哪儿抽，想什么时候抽就什么时候抽。不过不像其他一些依靠吸烟来社交的年轻人，我觉得吸烟对于我来说属于一个人独自做的事情。除非朋友提议一起来一根，我和其他人在一起的时候几乎从来不抽烟。
During my freshman year, my smoking frequency increased from once a week to a few times a day. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why I smoke. But I feel like there’re always some wistful or frustrating feelings involved, because I never smoke when I’m genuinely happy or feel loved. Smoking doesn’t take my troubles away. Quite the opposite, it takes everything else in my mind away and allow me to focus on what has been troubling me.
大一的这一整年下来，我的吸烟频率从每个星期一两支增加到了每天两三支。很难具体说明白吸烟的理由——可是我觉得吸烟总是伴随着一种怅然若失的心情。我在真正开心的时候几乎从不会有要去吸烟的念头。吸烟并不能把我的烦恼带走——恰恰相反，它把除了烦恼外脑子里的其他东西全都带走了，让我全神贯注在令我烦心的事情上。
However, it does “cool” my mind down and allow me to think about things calmly from a third-person perspective, as if whatever happened did not happened to me nor anyone else — it simply becomes an uncertain floating matter in the past, evoking lessons and nostalgia and nothing else.
可是，吸烟能使我的思想“冷却”下来，并且让我以一个第三人称的角度看待我的烦恼。就好似那些事情并没有发生在我身上，也没有发生在其他任何人身上——它们就像是沉浮于过去的一团模糊又无常的烟雾一般，在心中唤起的除了教训与留恋，别无他感。
I wonder if this kind of alienation, or estrangement from the self is what smokers are really looking for when we want to get rid of those subjective, troubling emotions deep inside.
我想，这种与自身的疏远、隔离，也许是吸烟者们真正所需的。我们渴望从那些令人苦恼、痛苦的主观情绪中解脱出来，哪怕只有一根烟的时间。
I’ve never smoked directly in front of my parents, but they know. And as always, they seem to be chill about my personal choice. Just a few days ago, my mom found a pack of cigarettes I bought in Europe on the balcony table. She was about to throw it out when I stopped her and said: “But there’re still cigarettes inside.” She looked at me, opened the pack and looked inside, and looked at me again.
我从没当着我爸妈的面抽过烟，不过他们知道。如往常一样，他们似乎并没有打算干涉我的个人决定。就在几天前，我妈在阳台桌子上看到一包我在冰岛买的万宝路。正当她以为里面是空的，想要把那包烟扔掉的时候，我走过去对她说：“可是里面还有烟啊。” 她看了我一眼，打开那包烟看了看里面，又抬头看着我。
“Oh. You’re right.” She said calmly and walked back to the living room, leaving the pack of cigarettes behind on the table, at exactly where it was.
“噢，你说的对。” 她说完这句话便走开了——走的时候把那包烟轻轻放回了原处。
Thank you for reading! Feel free to share your experiences with me or let me know what you think by reaching me out through social media! (IG: @rainayanglw; FB: Raina Yang; Email: rainayang0818@gmail.com; Wechat: ryang0818)
感谢你们阅读这篇文章！如果有什么想法，可以通过Facebook、邮箱、微信、或者Instagram与我分享！
You can also subscribe to this blog in the menu bar if you’re interested in reading more posts like this!
欢迎大家在网站右上方目录里订阅此博客文章～
